Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Black Swan, Grey Goose.

BlaahhhH! Can you believe it? Another blog post about a movie that only some people watched, and less people liked!

Of course, this is the Intranet.

Holy shit, read up on Black Swan since like August. I was all up in her shit. As soon as I heard about it on (most visited next to Facebook and Twitter on my browser), I was too excited to see this movie. Why? Because Natalie Portman in The Other Boylen Girl was bitchy and I like bitchy.

Two girls that make my pants feel funny.

Natalie Portman was also in V for Vendetta! A heavily motif-ed movie about government. I love politics.

Mmm... Bald... So little girls can pull it off

Regardless of how annoying and whiney and creepy Evey is in V for Vendetta, the rest of the movie was fantastic! The story about the lesbian in the post-totalitarian UK was important, but felt out of place. I thought that turn in the movie was meaningful, but done wrong. Also goes back to how "lesbians are murdered off in Hollywood, because the rest of the world should feel sorry about them" theme. Whatever.

Well, I wish I was good enough at programming that I can write a button on this page to lead you (reader) to the reading of Black Swan that you want to read about. I got the feminist manifesto (i.e. the straight world of Hollywood hates Lesbians and wish we would die) and the fun version (where I'm optimistic and tell you about all the things I liked and disliked about this movie).

You're getting both. Close your eyes and scroll allllll the way down if you want to ignore the feminist manifesto part. (As part of my degree requires, I have to be a dick (pun) to all directors in Hollywood regarding lesbian storylines).

Okay! So here it goes... Manifesto!

I'll try to leak the least I can.

Mainstream Hollywood hates all Lesbians! We should all die! Nina (Nat. Port. [Yes, I'm that lazy]) dances in a ballet company in New York. She wants to be perfect. Of course, no ballerina is satisfied with being "mediocre". I mean, it's like a kid writing on their 3rd grade essay, "When I grow up, I want to be an amateur athlete." NO! We want to be Pro-Olympic-quality Athletes!

So there's an opening for the new Swan Queen because Beth (Wino. Ryd. [you figure it out yourself]) has been asked to step down as the Dancing Queen. Oh, of course it's not that simple, there's also a new chick. From San Diego. Hot. How hot? Hot as Meg from Family Guy.

No kidding! That hot!

Yeah, but it's kinda not Meg, it's Lily, played by Mil. Kuni. [Insert Dramatic Music]

So shit goes down, and there's a shit show. Typically what happens when women are at each other's throats.

Hollywood hates lesbians because any woman-on-woman action is concluded with death, betrayal, insanity, or all of the above. Guess which one Black Swan is?

Okay, this ends my manifesto. YOU CAN START READING NOW!

So I don't want to give much of the story away, but something I'd like to address: Nina and her mom's relationship.

When I was told that "nothing is an accident" in movies in my T206 class? I scoffed. Then after, every single movie I watched, there was a motif for something else in the movie. It was just a coin-key-dink. Whatevs.


So the director and writer wrote this movie so blatantly that Nina's (I'd say 22 years old?) room is a princess fairy-tale-land, living in her mom's apartment. As a fail ballerina, her mom wanted Nina to be mediocre like she was. (The mom was knocked up and quit dancing because I guess somehow pregger ballerinas are frowned upon :() My, my, I wonder if I can use cruder language to describe such high-brow art. Nope.

When Nina's mother not wake Nina up for her big day because Nina flipped shit on her mom the night before? Mom actually just didn't want Nina to be something she couldn't have. Mom can't stand Nina to be out of her control and soar high.

You'll understand this once you watched the movie. So I LIED ABOUT SPOILER!

Let's move on to the sex between Nina and Lily! Yeah... ***~~SPOILER ALERT~~***
It didn't happen. Well, at least in real life. Nina tripped on, what I think is coke or X, and wanted to embody the Black Swan so so so so badly that she wanted to fuck "the Black Swan".

Not gonna lie though, SUPER hot scene. My goodness, that clip leaked on the 'net so I can just talk about it! The black bra and panties Lily wore which symbolized Black and the white undies and bra Nina wore? Duh. But seeing two gorgeous women on screen tearing each other apart... priceless.

My favorite quote from the movie, "You had a crazy lesbo-sex fantasy about me?! How was I!?"

You know, I'd be asking the same thing if Natalie Portman came up to me and told me she had a sex dream about me. Or any girl, for that matter. :P

Okay, so the actual review...

I thought it was fantastic! The movie was JUST dark enough that I didn't have to rip my hair out. And all the cast was veryyyy good at what they did, and the director did a killer job showcasing them (ahem, Inception). Though I thought Mila Kunis's character was casted wrong. No, no, no, fellow lesbians, don't pick up the pitchfork yet! She was suupper sexy and fitted the bill with the "bad girl look". Both men and women look for that quality in a woman, don't lie. But I feel like someone else could've just as well filled the role.

I thought about casting Keira Knightly as the Black Swan, but I feel like a lot of our interational (even domestic) viewers would get suuuuper confused because Keira and Nat look so similar!

Challenge of the week: Which one is Nat?
Keira with a tan. How about that for compromise?

Fucking shit, I can't find a pic.... :(

To wrap things up...

Black Swan was a delightful watch, I'd go out and by the DVDs just because Nat. is so phenomenal in it. It's very nicely done because sexuality is key in this movie, but Aronofsky didn't trash it up! Good job, buddy.

The sound was great, the score was beautifully written with Tchaikovsky's Swan Lake integrated. A familiar sound with a beautiful modern twist. Too bad it dropped out of Oscar nods because it's too... "un-original" bullshit.

Beware now, readers...
Check yourself of Swan bumps before you dance next time.


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